How To Say "No" This Holiday Season (Using DBT Skills)

‘Tis the season! Family gatherings, sharing food, watching favorite movies or sports. Togetherness, joy, laughter, and … navigating difficult relationships, hurts, grief, being alone, and a multitude of potential pitfalls.

I’ll be honest, I’ve currently got a person in my life that is challenging, so I’ve been thinking a lot about how to manage the holidays with them. We’re going to call them “Aunt Jean”. In order to make sure I wasn’t being unfair, I decided to try some of the skills I often provide to my clients. It felt good!

So let’s talk about navigating saying “No” to difficult family members using Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills. During the holidays, there is often a pull to bring family members together, even when the relationship has not been going well. We have some voice in our head that tells us we are not being kind if we exclude someone.

But are we?

In DBT, there is a skill called “Evaluating Options for Whether or How Intensely to Ask for Something or Say No.” The skill asks us to evaluate several factors when deciding whether to say “Yes or No” using a 10 point scale of intensity.

Let’s use a hypothetical example: Aunt Jean, who has recently moved to the area, reaches out to ask what you are doing for Thanksgiving. You are hosting Thanksgiving this year. Aunt Jean is vocal about her political views, which differ from yours and most of the people attending. Your relationship used to be close but now it is difficult. You are inclined to say “No” but have mixed feelings about it.

Using this example, imagine you are putting a dime in each of the following categories, assuming you are trying to decide how strongly you should say “No.”

• 1. Capability. You have the capability to invite Aunt Jean to Thanksgiving, because you are hosting. No dime, because this would be a “Yes” answer.

• 2. Priorities. Considering your goals, the relationship with Aunt Jean, and whether or not your values are on the line, is the relationship with Aunt Jean more important than saying “No”? Let’s assume your goal is to have a calm and enjoyable evening. If this is very important and having Aunt Jean there would disrupt the time, we would lean toward increasing the intensity of the “No”. We’ve also established that the relationship with Aunt Jean is decidedly shaky. If you want to maintain the relationship, you would consider decreasing the intensity of the “No” answer or, if you are not inclined to maintain the relationship, consider increasing the “No.” If your self-respect is on the line, determine the intensity of accepting or declining as you consider your values. Combining these themes, determine if you are adding a dime to your priorities or not.

• 3. Self Respect. Will saying “No” make you feel bad about yourself, even when you are thinking about it wisely? If not, add another dime.

• 4. Rights. Would saying “No” violate Aunt Jean’s rights? (Okay, this doesn’t really apply to this example, but it’s a step to consider in other situations.) Automatic pass.

• 5. Authority. Does Aunt Jean have authority over you and is asking within her authority? This may depend on how your family views their roles. If she has authority, no dime. If she does not have authority, add a dime.

• 6. Relationship. Is Aunt Jean’s request appropriate based on your relationship? In this case, as a family member, yes, it is an appropriate request. Decrease the intensity of the “No” answer. No dime.

• 7. Long-term vs short-term goals. Is giving in to keep the peace more important than the long term relationship? Will you regret saying “No” at a later date? If so, you would decrease the level of intensity of saying “No.” No dime. If not, increase the level of intensity and add a dime.

• 8. Give and take. Do you owe Aunt Jean anything? Has she done a lot for you? If so, you would want to reduce the intensity of saying “No”. If not, you would increase it and add a dime.

• 9. Homework. Is the request clear and you know what you are getting into? In this case, the request is clear. Decrease the intensity of the “No” answer. No dime.

• 10. Timing. Is this a bad time to say “No?” Did you just have an intense conversation with Aunt Jean and you are not your best self in this moment? (Let Aunt Jean know you need to think about it.) If so, decrease the intensity. If not, increase the intensity of the “No” and add a dime.

• 11. Other factors. Are there any other factors that you need to consider? Determine whether they increase or decrease the intensity of the “No” and add a dime if increasing.

At this point, we add up our dimes and consider how intense our “No” answer will be.

• 1 = You should have asked Aunt Jean already (no judgements, just remember this next year).

• 2 = Cheerfully invite Aunt Jean

• 3 = Invite Aunt Jean even if you don’t feel cheerful about it.

• 4 = Invite Aunt Jean but subtly show you’d rather not

• 5 = Gracefully say you’d rather not

• 6 = Confidently say no but be willing to reconsider

• 7 = Confidently say no, resist saying yes

• 8 = Firmly say no, resist saying yes

• 9 = Firmly say no, resist saying yes, negotiate, keep trying to hold your ground

• 10 = Don’t invite her

Of course, as much as we wish this were easy, it takes practice and good communication skills. This is where another DBT skill with the acronym called DEAR MAN GIVE FAST comes in.

The premise for this skill is that there are three distinct goals that can guide us through difficult conversations. The goals are: Meeting my objective, maintaining the relationship, and retaining my self-respect. Let’s practice this with Aunt Jean.

In order to meet our objective, we use DEAR MAN GIVE FAST:

• Describe: the situation. “Aunt Jean, the last few times we’ve had family gatherings, you have talked a lot about your political views”

• Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about politics, as I disagree with most of what you are saying. I also think bringing it up during the holidays is a terrible idea, as it inevitably devolves into arguments.”

• Assert yourself. “I’m not comfortable having you at our Thanksgiving gathering, as everyone there is on the other side of the fence. I know your political views are important to you, and you need to talk about it, but it would make the gathering tense.”

• Reinforce by explaining the positive effects of getting your needs met: “I want to honor your need to talk about your beliefs, and also honor the fact that it would be uncomfortable for everyone at the gathering. I hope you can understand.”

• Mindful: Stay focused on your goal and maintain your position. Repeat your assertion over and over and over (we call this the broken record skill). Also, if Aunt Jean attacks, threatens, or attempts to divert you, stay on target, continuing to make your point. “Aunt Jean, I’m not comfortable having you at this gathering, and would love to share a meal with you at another time.”

• Appear confident: Use a confident tone, make eye contact if you’re in person, avoid saying “I’m not sure.”

• Negotiate: Be willing to give a bit in order to get your needs met. Offer and ask for solutions to fix the problem. We did a bit of this above, when we offered to meet Aunt Jean for a separate gathering. We also considered asking Aunt Jean to refrain from talking about her political views. This skill could also include something like, “I’m stumped, Aunt Jean. Do you have any ideas for how to make this work?”

Now let’s consider how this conversation would go if your focus was on maintaining the relationship with Aunt Jean. This is the “Give” skill:

• Gentle. Using a gentle approach, we would be nice, show respect to Aunt Jean, avoid making verbal (or physical) attacks, and keep the conversation chill. If we felt angry, we would use words like, “Aunt Jean, I feel pretty angry with you when you say that.” We wouldn’t make threats such as, “I’ll never talk to you again!” and we would not judge her with words like, “if you were a good person, you would just roll with this.” We would also avoid eye rolls, hanging up abruptly, walking away, or calling Aunt Jean names. This might look something like this: “Aunt Jean, I love you so much and I wish I could say yes, but I don’t think it’s going to work this year unless we can come to some agreement about how to handle political conversations.”

• Interested. Listen to Aunt Jean’s perspective. Don’t interrupt or talk over her, just listen and try to understand her.

• Validate. With words and actions, show that you understand Aunt Jean. “I see that this is really important to you.”

• Easy manner. Smile, leave your attitude at the door, use humor, keep the conversation light.

Lastly, if our values are the most important goal, we would use the FAST skill:

• Fair. Be fair to yourself and Aunt Jean. Validate both perspectives. “Yes, I understand this feels crappy. I hope you can understand my point of view as well.”

• (No) Apologies: Don’t apologize for having an opinion, disagreeing with Aunt Jean. “I respectfully disagree, Aunt Jean.”

• Stick to your values: If your values or integrity are more important than maintaining a relationship with Aunt Jean or meeting your objective, stand on them. Be clear about what you think is right and stick to it. “Aunt Jean, I know your political views are super important to you but for this gathering, it is more important to me that my guests have a safe space and a lovely evening so I can’t invite you.”

• Truthful. Stick to the truth - no need to exaggerate or make excuses for how you feel.

I hope that these skills help you navigate the holidays with a sense that you did the best you could, were your best self, and met your goals.