Calling Out & Calling In
With the holidays upon us, it is altogether possible that a friendly conversation might take a turn to a more polarized topic in which a friend or loved one could say something hurtful, demeaning, or uncalled for. If you strongly disagree, you might choose to address the issue by “calling them out” on it.
We’re all familiar with “calling out,” as it is an immediate confrontation. It is a hard stop to the momentum of the moment and all conversation ceases until the issue is addressed. You’ve placed an instant boundary by drawing a line in the sand and bringing immediate attention to the things you object to. “Calling someone out” tells the person that their words or behavior is not acceptable to you. Examples of “calling out” include:
“I need you to stop right there.”
“That was offensive.”
“That’s not okay for you to say.”
“Calling out” is a knee-jerk reaction to the heat of the moment and can often bring public guilt or shame onto the person in question. This might lead to your own guilt or shame for doing so, especially if the person wasn’t being divisive or hurtful on purpose.
Within the last few years, the idea of “calling someone in” has been introduced into the discussion of addressing biased behavior in the workplace. This can also be utilized in more personal settings, and is an alternative tool in addition to “calling someone out.” Rather than openly objecting in public, this approach takes the person aside privately and explains the reason behind the offense. “Calling someone in” results in redirecting the momentum of the moment into reflection by bringing attention to their character and values. You build dissonance between things you know to be true vs. the impact of their words or behavior. By telling the person one-on-one that what they said was hurtful to you, you’re giving them a chance to see your perspective with dignity.
Some examples of “calling in” are:
“I’m curious. What was your intention when you said that?”
“I know X positive things are true about you and I’m having a hard time understanding how that fits with what you just said. Can you help me make sense of that?”
“Calling out” sets boundaries for our safety in the moment, which in certain circumstances, might be the strategy you need to use. “Calling in,” however, tends to lower defensiveness in the person you’re addressing, and invites them instead to reflect on the impact of their words.
To learn more, watch the Tedx Talk ‘Don’t call people out - call them in’ by Loretta J. Ross
