The Difference Between Needs vs. Boundaries
Do you know the difference between needs and boundaries? Many don’t. More often than not, needs can be confused with boundaries, and vice versa. They might appear to be similar on the surface, but there are marked differences between the two. Even so, needs and boundaries must be communicated clearly in advance before anyone can respect them. It can be daunting, as laying a boundary or expressing a need can be perceived as confrontational. But according to this article on Gottman.com, if you practice softening your startup, you’ll be successful in expressing yourself respectfully with less fear of confrontation. Let’s take a look at the differences between needs and boundaries.
What is a Need and How Do You Communicate It?
A need is something that is dependent upon another person’s behavior. It can be a preference, a request, or a true need for this individual to start, stop, or continue doing this or that. When communicating your needs to someone, assume the best of them and view them as a fellow collaborator in addressing the issue, rather than looking upon the other person as “the problem.” Be as specific and as concrete as possible to avoid any misunderstandings.
Example: “I know you’ve had a stressful few weeks at work and it’s been hard to get out the door on time (assuming the best). Moving forward I need you to text me your ETA as soon as you know you’re going to be late meeting me for happy hour (specific behavior). If it’s going to be more than half an hour late, we’ll just reschedule (concrete & collaborative ‘we’ language).”
Notice the soft startup in the example, first empathizing about their stressful time at work before discussing your need. This approach seeks to lay no blame upon the other party, but rather communicates a solid plan going forward considering their busy work schedule. Instead of blaming the other for always being late, this example emphasizes the need to respect both your time and their time.
What is a Boundary and How Do You Communicate It?
A boundary, on the other hand, is not dependent on the other person’s behavior, but rather your own. When someone does something, how will you respond? This is your boundary. Keep in mind that asking them to do something is a need and not a boundary (for further clarification of a boundary, watch this short Youtube Video). As with a need, you’ll want to continue to assume the best of the other person when setting your boundary. Don’t speculate their motives for their behavior, only focus on your boundary and what you will do should they continue.
Be as clear and concise as possible about the impact their behavior has had on you and leave no guesswork about what your boundary will include. Being on the same page is key in having your boundaries respected. If the behavior is repeated, make sure to follow through on your boundary. If you do not enforce them, people will be less likely to respect them.
Example: “I know you’ve had a stressful few weeks at work and it’s been hard to get out the door on time (assuming the best). Unfortunately, meeting later than planned at happy hour has made it hard for me to do things I need to get done in the evenings (clear & concise explanation of impact). So moving forward, if you can’t make it within a half hour of when we planned, I’ll need to go home (boundary). We can try again next week.”
This example also employs the soft startup method by assuming the best of the other person. While again not laying blame upon the other party for being late, it outlines your clear behavior should their behavior continue. It leaves no room for doubt that you will not wait around considering you have other things to do. While you cannot control their work schedule, you want to make it clear your time is valuable too and you won’t be waiting on them.
In short, a need is asking another person to change their behavior while a boundary is your own behavior in response to theirs. In both scenarios, assume the best of the other person and give respect while asking for respect, then be sure to follow through on what you have made clear.
